Rare things that I love & more

There are quite a bunch of rare things that I love, stuff I discovered through the years I´d been around, 38 to be exact. So here, tonight, (after watching a movie, several cigs, fanta light and a light-off candle) I was visited by this lovely desire of writing and confessing. It came into the shape of a list, but suddenly, and as soon as I sat in front of my station, I felt like writing long and deep. Eventualy I´ll write down the list, so don´t go anywhere, you have my word on it. Besides, country music is playing and that´s the kind of tune that makes me be more real than the real thing. It´s as good as it gets, and I confess I am more real in English than in Spanish. What about you, buddy? What makes you real? What clicks your buttons? What moves you? What suits you best when you are high on your feelings? Is it a tendency to sadness? or depression? or euphoria? Are you talkative or the listening type? Maybe both, who knows. I am more of a listener. It´s probably the time to start writing my list down, maybe you´re the kind of reader that goes for bullets, and I don´t want you to leave. So here you go.

Here´s my list of rare beloved things, ready buddy? I know I am.

. north carolina accent

. north carolina, its people, their humbleness, the streets, the woods, chilly´s, chargrill and aura
. my english accent and increasing my vocabulary

. when I pretend to be from Spain

. a hot bath with oils and salt

. driving or walking in the country under the magesty of nature

. writing stories and my blog

. the 19 steps between the 8th floor and my 9th floor department

. going back home from therapy

. the deep breaths and yawning after a good workout class

. my smile, energy and the high I get when I feel sexy and want to seduce someone - even when not wanting to seduce them

. right this moment while I am writing this down

. my balcony at night and the few moments I sat there just to think about being in this universe

. the country music, of course

. wrapping presents

After this unfinished list, it wouldn´t be fair to ommit some rare things I do not like. I am sure you have many of those too, we all do, don´t we? My list is something like this:

. feeling in the corner by a guy

. when my dad calls me too many times a day, first to my home, and if I don´t pick up inmediately to my cellphone. I don´t feel like talking

. picking up the phone

. talking on the phone

. having a "to do" list to do

. recalling those nights in NC when I was feeling restless and scared

. Not feeling on my feet, that´s the weirdest feeling, it´s like not having a weight or a root. I felt that awful scary feeling being in the US

. going back home from (church, the gym, my friends) and going back to the awful feeling of uncertainty and loneliness

I want to clarify this last one. Loneliness is a tough one to describe. Let me see how to do this.

Loneliness is not the same as being alone. I am quite used to be alone, only child, I learnt to love it, believe me, I do enjoy my company. Being alone can be experienced as positive, pleasurable, and emotionally refreshing if it is under the individual's control. Loneliness is an emotional state in which a person or animal experiences a powerful feeling of emptiness and issolation.

Loneliness is more than the feeling of wanting company or wanting to do something with another person. Loneliness is a feeling of being cut off, disconnected or alienated from other people.

I guess here I talk about loneliness more like a despair feeling. When did I feel loneliness? Oh well, here goes another list:

. when Dave broke up with me. I drove and drove and drove until I finally got into the woods. There was no one around. I sat on a camping table, it was a hummid day, close to dark. The pain was so deep, dense, as dense as the woods I was in. I found no other consolation than Church. I cried so many masses, couldn´t hide my tears

. when driving back to my office from a therapist in NC. I suddenly felt disconnected, and neither right or left, felt the direction to go. I got off the car very scared and cried

. when going to the embassy in washington by myself. I was waiting the subway and had to call my Dad from my cellphone in an act of dessperation after breaking up with Carlos
. when I realised I had screw things up over and over again

. when I denied love to someone that was loving me. I just couldn´t give it to him because I felt embarrased and unable to do it right

. when I came back to BA I could not take the bus or be around people at work. I called my friend Danny every morning on my way to work because I could not stand being "alone" with myself

. having late night walks in NC cause I felt restless

. waking up at 5.30 to pray and medidate in order to calm me down

. when I discovered that jerk I was writing a book about, had been lying to me. I went to the State Fair and bought a "protection ring" made of amber

. when Carlos took me to the airport when I moved back to BA

. the first year in Argentina

I am sure there are many more. I wish I could take a plane and walk around NC downtown tonigh, but I am sure that would make me feel loneliness.

The high is over, gotta go. Have a great one, visitor.